Rant 5 - Deal or No Deal

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


WTF? Good game show with fuck up contestants. Irritating, obnoxious, and painful to watch, these contestants were a letdown to the show. What shame!

On a positive note, SSP must commend on Adrain Pang and all the models. Great job!


Your Purveyor of Quality Game Shows

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Bolster

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


My girlfriend started to shy away from sex. Perturbed, I asked her if I was doing it wrongly. She assured me that there was nothing wrong.

I wasn't convinced.

I asked her if my penis was too thin. She said no. It was just that I couldn't reach her G-Spot. 'But your bolster can't too!' I defended. She agreed, but said that at least her bolster knows her clitoris. Shortly after, she had sex with her bolster, again.


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My Father

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


My father went to see a doctor this morning. He looked worried, but my mother didn't. In fact, she looked pissed. When my father came home, he has a tube of cream with him.

'What was it for?' I asked.

'Abrasion.'

'Abrasion? Where?'

'Don't ask. It's nothing serious.'

I walked to my mother in the kitchen. She was busy peeling an onion. 'Father said he's got an abrasion.'

'I know.'

'What happened?'

'He masturbated too much.'

At that moment, I felt ill. I locked myself in the bathroom, vomitted my breakfast.

'Both of you are sick!' I heard my mother shrieking outside.


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Ah Ba Ba

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


My cousin was caught glue-sniffing. She was only twelve. The police questioned her. She kept silent. She was deaf and mute.

'Ahh baba...ah ahbaba.'

'What the fuck did you say?'

'Ah bak ah bak..ah bak bak.'

'Sorry? Oh nevermind, you can go now.'

Fortunately, they gave her a stern warning. As they released her, she pointed the middle finger at them. She didn't need their sympathy. What she needed was conversation.


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Gunalan

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


Gunalan was drinking again. I asked him why. He didn't reply. I saw the bottle of whiskey, almost empty. I asked him again. He kept quiet.

We met for dinner. I asked him about the bottle. 'Where was it?'

'I don't know.'

'You must know. It was in your room.'

He stuttered. 'I didn't drink.'

'Then what happened to the bottle?'

'I used it to smash my head.'

'Why?'

'I needed to wake up.'


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Bright Idea - Bridge to Bintan

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


To boost bilateral relations, job opportunities and tourism, SSP suggests building a bridge linking the tiny island to Bintan and Batam. The costs of buidling this bridge should be matched dollar-to-dollar between the two governments and the major stakeholders.


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General Poem 6 - Singapore Dream

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


I want a Condo,
I can't afford one.

I want a Country Club membership,
I can't afford one.

I want a car,
I can't afford one.

I want a credit card,
I can't afford one.

I want cash,
I don't have much.

I want to be rich,
I am not.

I want to be a scholar,
I am a drop-out.

I want to be a Officer,
I am only a driver.

I want to go University,
I only got secondary.

I want to have a perfect body,
I have a big tummy.

I want to have a good job,
I am stuck in a shitty one.

I want to be a yuppy,
I have no money.

I want to eat in fancy restaurants,
I only eat in food courts.

I want to gamble in casinos,
I have no money.

I want to be driven,
I can only take MRT.

I want to have a 50 inch LCD,
I only have a CRT TV.

I want to leave a legacy,
I have only lousy history.

I want to be somebody,
I am a nobody.

I want to be counted,
I am just a digit.


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Bright Idea - Real Training for our Soldiers!

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


To train our Commandos or Special Forces effectively, rotate them to conduct execution of death row convicts in prison. This will steel their balls during war time where killing becomes second nature.


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General Poem 5 - Middle

Night/Dry/Air-Con/SSP's bedroom in a flat somewhere in the North


I am not fat,
I am not thin.
I am not smart,
I am not dim.

I am not big,
I am not small.
I am not tall,
I am not short.

I am not rich,
I am not poor.
I am not witty,
I am not blur.

I am not a scholar,
I am not stupid
I am not ill,
I am not fit.

I am not here,
I am not there.
I am not mental,
I am everywhere.

I am not hot,
I am not cold.
I am not young,
I am not old.

I am not calm.
I am not nervous.
I am not confused,
I am not focused.

I am not lost,
I am not found.
I am not free,
I am not bound.

I am not angry,
I am not at peace.
I am not bitter,
I am not at ease.

I am not vengeful,
I am not forgiving.
I am not loving,
I am not taking.

I am in the middle,
I am a hamburger.
I am caught in between,
I am a struggle.

I am stuck for life,
I am screwed for good.
I am fucked real nice,
I am suicidal I should.


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